Living With Bipolar

I’m slowly coming to terms with the idea that I’m most likely dealing with Bipolar Disorder. “Luckily” I have the milder form of Bipolar II, although unfortunately that means much more depressed time than hypomanic. 

I’m not going to lie, it frightens me. It scares me for my marriage and my future. I’m worried about holding down jobs and working in the field I want to (elementary education). I wonder how many days over my lifetime that I will spend in a state that does not reflect who I am as a person. 

I still don’t have an official diagnosis, but they’re medicating me for Bipolar and my life is improving, so I’m drawing conclusions from that and snippets of relevant conversation with the “experts” who know much more than I do about these matters. 

I’ve already made the decision not to have children, as I could never pass this on in good conscience. I’m lucky I have a husband who is on board with this plan. 

Planning my life seems terrifying, as I never know what’s coming. I’m scared of how I’ll wake up tomorrow and whether I’ll be a crying mess or a functional person. More importantly, since I don’t experience rapid cycling, I’m scared of next year, and the next ten years. How much of my time will be spent feeling “wrong.”

I’m lucky I have the support system that I do, but it only helps so much. No one can really help with what goes on in my head, other than medications and guidance my therapist can give me. I’m thankful to be working with a good team of providers who care and work hard to help me be balanced. 

I’m still scared of being on medication for the rest of my life. Not because I don’t trust medication therapy, but because I worry about the times they don’t work. I’m worried about actively managing this everyday. It seems overwhelming. 

I have so many things I want to do with my life, and I’m worried I won’t be able to accomplish what I’d like to. 

This is a bit of a depressing post, but it’s where I’m at right now. It helps me to research and understand what I’m dealing with. I’ve read many good books, and maybe I’ll put together a list soon of some of my favorites. 

Life is hard and scary, no matter what your mental and physical health. Sometimes it seems unfair. I’m trying to find joy in the little things though, and I can slowly feel myself taking an interest in things I had previously not wanted to explore, so I’m on my way to being stable. Tracking these things has helped me. 

This is more of a thoughtful post without the information aspect. At least I can say, I’m feeling hope now. Which I wasn’t feeling last week. Every day is another experience that I go through, and I can only hope that things get better as time goes on. 

I hope my experiences can help others dealing with similar issues. This is a hard road, but it’s worth going down. 

Much love,

Emma 

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