Bipolar 1

Well, my diagnosis has changed. My therapist told me that I most likely have Bipolar 1, because the symptoms I described from last summer sounded like a manic, rather than hypomanic, episode. 

I’m a little nervous about this, as Bipolar 1 is sometimes thought to be more severe than Bipolar 2, and the manic episodes make me nervous, because the last one I had wasn’t fun but it only involved slight delusions, not full blown psychosis. I have concerns that it will progress. 

At least I’m on meds and relatively stable at the moment. 

I’ve been having some restlessness and racing thoughts, along with a bit more anxiety. My pdoc suggested lowering my Latuda as it could be causing those symptoms, so I may try lowering it again. I’m nervous because it’s been helpful to get me out of my depressive slump a bit, but maybe I only needed it upped for a little while. 

My focus has gone out the window completely. It takes me half an hour to write a forum post for school because my brain isn’t working. I’m not sure what’s causing it, but it’s really difficult since I’m taking 16 credits this semester. Hopefully during spring break next week I can get a little ahead to help out with it. 

That’s all the news for now. 

Sadness

I’m still doing better, but I’ve been overwhelmed with a sadness the past few days. Probably due to cutting my Latuda for a few days (something I couldn’t help). 

My pdoc agreed to up my Lamictal, so I’ll be taking 300mg total. I think that will continue to help. 

When I feel this sadness, I get scared. I’m always scared it won’t leave me alone. I don’t want to feel this way forever. I know I won’t, and having been happy recently helps, but every time I start to feel this way, I completely forget what happiness feels like. 

My therapist and I talked more about my tentative diagnosis. Bipolar ii is scary. Luckily, I don’t have psychosis or full blown mania, but depression is hard. I’m glad I haven’t been hospitalized and I hope I won’t ever have to be, now that I’m on medications. 

I’m just holding onto hope. I’ll feel better again soon. 

Better

Last night I stayed up till 11:00 with no anxiety! And I actually felt truly happy yesterday and today. It feels so good. I don’t know whether it will last, but I’m thankful for a bit of a reprieve. I only slept 8.5 hours (when I’ve been sleeping 10-12). 

I think part of it is that Saturday I switched to taking my meds in the morning. I think they’ve been wearing off by evening and that’s why they weren’t covering the anxiety. And I’m definitely feeling positive effects from the Lamictal/lamotrigine now. I’m going to ask my pdoc if we can add 100mg in the evening so that it covers the bit of anxiety I’ve been getting in the morning (due to meds wearing off I think), so well see what she thinks. 

I’ve also been more open about my bipolar, which has made me feel good. I’ve told my family and some friends. It’s helpful to be able to talk about it. 

I’m just nervous and hopeful that I’ll feel good again tonight and that it lasts throughout the week. 

Therapy

As many of you know, I’ve been doing DBT with my therapist. This week though, because I’ve been having such a hard time, she recommended I not work on any new skills and just take deep breaths and walk my dog every day. So these are my goals. I also have other things to do in a day, such as school, cleaning, cooking and maintaining my house, but that’s the plan right now. 

Also, since I’ve been sleeping over 12 hours per day, she recommended I make a daily schedule that includes waking up earlier. I have to say, the combination of waking up earlier and having a set schedule has done wonders over the past couple of days. I feel a lot less anxious (knock on wood), and it’s helped me to focus and accomplish all of my schoolwork. 

I’m still a mess, but I’m getting better. I’m also up to dose on my lamotrigine/Lamictal now, so we’ll see how that helps. I’m also going to check my blood sugar as I think I may be dealing with hypoglycemia (Zyprexa made me prediabetic), so we’ll see where that takes me. I originally had a Dr. appt planned to test that but then insurance got all wacky so now I’m just going to test at home and go to the Dr. later if needed. Although I need to set up with a primary care physician soon anyway. 

Distraction

As you know, if you read my last post, I haven’t been doing very well with DBT therapy. I’ve been putting it off because I’m scared. 

I’ve been trying to distract myself. I’ve started knitting, sewing and signed up to volunteer at an animal rescue. 

None of these things are bad, but my husband and I talked and I realized they’re all bandaid solutions. I’m looking for the next thing to make me happy. A quick fix. Something that will temporarily give me hope and a little joy. Nothing solves the problem though. That’s why I need to keep working on therapy. I need to find healthy ways to cope with my feelings. 

Medications are only going to get me so far. And hopefully they’ll continue to help more as I’m getting all the way up to dose. I have been doing better with the magnesium and upping my Latuda. I also think the lamotrigine has had a good effect as well. I’m thankful for all those little boosts, I don’t know how I’d be without those things. 

I’m still scared though. Every day is scary because I don’t know how to get through it. I’m scared every night that the anxiety is going to come back. I’m just trying to keep pushing through the fear and get to the next day. I just hope that this all evens out eventually. I hope that I won’t be so afraid. 

Doing Better

I feel like I’m becoming a bit more stable. Upping my Latuda has definitely improved my mood significantly. I still really need to work on establishing a better sleep routine, but I’m not having many crying spells and my anxiety has been less intense. 

Having Klonopin and Seroquel helps me to feel more in control of my situation. 

Today I took a big step. Me and my husband recently purchased me a car, as I haven’t ever had a drivers license and I would really like to get one soon. Today was the first day that I practiced driving and I’m really proud of myself. Most of my previous attempts have ended in tears, but I drove for about ten minutes today and only had mild anxiety. Baby steps, for sure, but going in a positive direction. I’ll hopefully do a bit more tonight with my husband. 

I also met with my therapist so I’ll be writing another DBT post soon. 

Thanks for reading, 

Emma 

Seroquel

Just a quick note – holy crap Seroquel has knocked me on my butt. 50mg total today and I am zonked. No major anxiety today however, so I’m not complaining. 🙂

New Meds, New Worspace

I’ll start off by showing off my nice, relaxing and comfortable workspace for school. My husband helped me set it all up and the cost was $150 for everything pictured in the top pic. 

Here’s the nicely lighted version. It feels very tranquil and helps me focus and get more done than when I’m trying to balance all of my things on the couch. Plus, my dog can’t get at it. In fact, she’s taken up a spot right to the side of me for sleeping. 

This new setup has me feeling happier and more focused. It’s the little things, right? 

On a different note, last night I messaged my pdoc to ask about adding a small dose of Seroquel for anxiety, as the Klonopin has been somewhat helpful but it definitely doesn’t knock it out completely, and I do worry about taking it everyday. 

Anyway, she replied right away this morning and sent the prescription out, so I can pick it up today. I’m so thankful to be working with a team of people who listen to me and are actually trying to help me feel better. I’ve had my experiences with people who were overworked and didn’t have the time or energy to take my full story into account, so this feels like a breath of fresh air. I don’t feel so alone in this journey anymore, and that’s one of the best feelings. 

So now you can picture where I’m writing to you from, and you know what my dog looks like. Hopefully this post can make you feel better if you’re worried you can’t get help. Keep trying to find the right medical professionals to help you. They’re out there. 

Much love,

Emma 

Anxiety and Depression Update

A little update on anxiety. I’m hanging in there but it’s still not fun. The Klonopin has been helping but it’s still difficult. 

My Dr. said that the lamotrigine may also help with anxiety and I’ve read some positive reviews. Has anyone had experience with lamotrigine? I’m only on 50mg right now but I’m working up to at least 200mg over the next few weeks. 

I really would say that the anxiety has overall decreased, it’s still really frustrating though. I’m also thinking about asking my Dr. to add a small dose Seroquel to help with the anxiety if nothing else can. 

The depression has also been a bit better since upping my Latuda. It’s still there but it’s not quite as bad. I have less crying spells, even though I’m still exhausted constantly and not very happy. 

I’m hoping I’m close to finding the right cocktail of meds for me. 

Thanks for reading,

Emma 

Medications

I met with my Dr. and we decided to up my Latuda from 60 to 80mg, and also to move a little faster getting me up to a reasonable dose of lamotrigine. She also prescribed me Klonopin for while everything is evening out, so I’m hopeful the next few weeks will be easier. 

So far no crying spells today and only mild anxiety. I haven’t done a whole lot though. Definitely a better day so far than yesterday. 

My Dr. also said not to feel too bad about taking the Klonopin as needed while I’m getting stable. Normally I’m worried about taking it too often, so it’s nice to know it’s okay to use it as needed. 

They still go back and forth with whether I have MDD or Bipolar, but I think this med change is geared towards the idea that I have Bipolar II. I’m not thrilled about that idea, but an answer is probably better than no answer. 

I also do think the magnesium has been having a bit of an effect. It’s slight, but the anxiety hasn’t caused me to go to bed particularly early this week, so that’s been nice. I’m definitely going to keep taking it and see whether the effects continue or not. 

I’ll keep updates coming on how the med changes are affecting me. My Dr. said hopefully I’ll be able to see some changes within a week on the increased Latuda, so that’s encouraging. 

Thanks for reading,

Emma